Being strong or vulnerable?
When I was switching from primary to secondary school, I made a decision. I was no longer going to be who I was so far.
This new start would bring along a new me. One that no longer was going to be bullied. One that was strong(er), untouchable.
It was the moment I step away from my authenticity. I left it behind in the small village I grew up. To become....well I do not know what..and I did not know then. I changed friends as often as I changed my clothing style. I was lost. I no longer knew who I was or wanted to be.
I started to adjust to others. Even literally asking them what I needed to do for them to like me. Feeling more alone by the day. Getting more imprisoned in my own world by the day.
Later at school reunions I was told by guys that they never really approached me, because it felt to them that I did not want them to. That I was a very independent woman, managing it all by herself. I guess at the outside it looked like that. Where on the inside I was feeling lonely. But also to afraid to open myself up for connection. To show my pain and fears. To be hurt again.
When I started to reconnect with my self and all the parts that got lost in trying to be someone else, I reconnected with myself again. Was able to let go of the pain that hold me away from it and started to attract friends that no longer wanted me to change, but love(d) me for who I am.
Until today this still makes me cry. For for so long I thought I needed to change. Improve. Now I know we do not need to change. We can but it needs to be our own decision. Not imposed by someone else.
The pain of closing my heart for so many years was so I noticed so much bigger than the pain that was the reason behind me closing my heart. So today I have my heart open and let all come in and flow out. And yes sometimes it hurts, but not as much as it did when I had it closed. Most of the time though it brings me so much love, joy and abundance. I would not like to miss it for the world. It is how I choose to life now.
Connected with myself, the other and the world.
How about you? Do you have your heart open for love and life?